


everything i am (is a mirror)

by pinkwinwin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abstract, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Introspection, M/M, Open to Interpretation, Poetic, trying something new here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 16:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15689037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkwinwin/pseuds/pinkwinwin
Summary: “Do you think the moon ever gets lonely?”He hears Sicheng laugh, and it reminds Taeil of the first rain of spring.Forward, forward, back.





	everything i am (is a mirror)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [plummet as i sing (oh, bring me back to you)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14750984) by [princepixel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/princepixel/pseuds/princepixel). 



There were several things that came to mind when Taeil thought of Sicheng-- he thought of wisteria blossoms, of rain gathered on the tips of grass, of the feeling of silk beneath fingertips. Sicheng was graceful in ways that surpassed the word _grace--_ like he was someone from another world, another universe that somehow found his way here to bless Taeil with his presence. He wasn’t sure how he got so lucky, but it wasn’t long until the two of them were drinking in each other’s laughter like wine. There were moments where he could steal Sicheng away, to press him down into the mattress and watch his hair fan out against the pillowcase. With his chest heaving and a slight pink tint to the high points of his cheeks, Taeil thinks he’s never seen something so pretty.

 

It was nothing compared to the sight of Sicheng stripped down, an alluring sense of power overtaking him when most would feel nervous in such a state. Taeil found it absolutely intoxicating, like he wanted to bottle up the sly smirk and the bedroom eyes Sicheng wore. He thinks it would glow silver-- sharp but refined, like the man Taeil plucked the features from.

 

_Forward._

 

They spent many night after that in a similar manner, trading bouts of laughter for gentle sighs nestled in the hollow of each other’s shoulders. When Taeil kisses up Sicheng’s stomach, he lets his fingers rest in between the notches of his spine. He’s able to pull him closer that way, the soft arch of his body accompanied by a gasp. When Taeil hits just the right spot, beneath his second rib, Sicheng lets out a breathy laugh.

 

“Even your laugh is perfect” he murmured into the skin there, letting his lips ghost against the flesh. Taeil can’t help the smile that blooms on his face when he watches Sicheng shiver under his touch, and his slender hands wrap around Taeil’s arms.

 

“You might not like everything about me” Sicheng challenges, his playful comment seeming to hide something somber. It’s like a current beneath an unassuming wave, but all Taeil wants to do is dive in and see for himself.

 

“That’s not possible” he replies, finding a home for his lips at the base of Sicheng’s throat. The latter sighs, tangling his fingers through dark locks, and the moment is soon swept away in the sea that is Sicheng, Sicheng, Sicheng.

 

✧✧✧

 

“Do you think the moon ever gets lonely?” It’s an unconventional question, but then again Sicheng is an unconventional man. Taeil sits up in bed, just enough to take in the moonlight drenching the younger man in a bath of silver. His arms are propped up on the windowsill, supporting his head as he looks skyward.

 

Taeil thinks he looks stunning, like a multitude of constellations forming together in flesh and bone.

 

“Perhaps” Taeil eventually answers, slinging an arm around Sicheng’s bare waist where the sheets are pooled. His lips dance across his shoulder blades as Taeil hums, thinking his next response over. “But maybe the stars are a good company.”

 

He hears Sicheng laugh, and it reminds Taeil of the first rain of spring.

 

_Forward, forward._

 

“Perhaps” he echoes, leaning back into the older man’s touch with a wistful smile. All Taeil can see in him is his lips parting slightly, of the muscles in his neck contracting when he swallows. He doesn’t feel the melancholy brewing like a storm at the base of Sicheng’s neck, and he takes the younger man’s silence as a sign for Taeil to tug him back into the comfort of their bed. He complies, tucking in the crevice of Taeil’s arm.

 

It isn’t until Taeil’s asleep that Sicheng’s eyes turn skyward once again, taking in the sight of the moon like it’s omnipresent nature could lend him some semblance of advice.

 

✧✧✧

 

They soon become synonymous with each other, their friends knowing they can’t see one of them without the other close by. It’s comforting, Taeil thinks, that Sicheng is such a strong presence in his life that even other people can take note of it.

 

Taeil leads him into the bar that night, hand on the small of his back like he was achingly delicate. In his mind, Taeil tells himself that Sicheng is so beautiful, so doll-like that he truly sees him as something to be handled with care. It’s why he stays so close throughout the night, to the point where Taeil can feel Sicheng’s body heat even through their thick winter coats. They stay in a comfortable haze until one of their friends points out how comfortable, how _happy_ Sicheng looks the past few months. The words set off the familiar spring laughter, making Taeil’s heart clench in adoration. After that observation, Taeil can’t help but notice how tightly Sicheng is holding onto his arm-- almost as if he would be swallowed by the ground below them if he didn’t.

 

When they return home, it feels feverish, hungry. Clothes are barely stripped off when Sicheng goes for Taeil’s throat, bruising it hot and smart with the way his teeth clash against the skin. Taeil pulls him away enough to fully unwind his scarf, giving Sicheng all the access he needs. As layers melt off, Taeil can feel just how electric Sicheng is. The way Taeil’s hands slide over the skin of his back almost tingles, like the sensation of being close to a live wire. Taeil figures it’s because of the comment from the bar, it’s a sign of Sicheng’s affection.

 

He isn’t wrong, since Sicheng is swallowing every word that tries to escape Taeil’s mouth. He’s taking in every breath, every gasp with the roll of his body against Taeil’s. It isn’t because of the words spoken by friends-- Sicheng is trying to devour the bliss that leaks out of Taeil like sunshine through sheer curtains, trying to tame this loneliness masked as hunger that has since festered against his spinal cord like a wound.

 

_Forward, forward, back._

 

Sicheng devours, devours, devours until he thinks he’s had his fill. He collapses against Taeil like every breath has been taken out of his lungs, like he hasn’t slept in years.

 

That night, there are no glances at the moon.

 

✧✧✧

 

There is something liminal about waking up at four in the morning. As Sicheng stares up at the ceiling, he feels the strange sensation of being awake and not, of being present in the moment yet a thousand miles away.

 

It is strange, it is suffocating.

 

Sicheng sits up, careful not to disturb the sleeping figure next to him. He’s breathing deep and even, a sign of being too caught up in dreams to take any notice in Sicheng’s behavior. He takes a deep breath, twisting around to the window above their bed. He presses his fingers against the latch, craving that sanctuary of a cool breeze and the silver bath of the moon. He can feel the chill even behind the glass, the unmistakable ice that seeps into his skin and makes a home in his bones.

 

_Forward, back, back._

 

The window is frozen shut. The sanctuary is gone.

 

✧✧✧

 

Of the countless different looks, this one was Taeil’s favorite.

 

The way the sheet hung loose over one bare shoulder, Sicheng’s body twisted towards the window. The familiar bath of the moonlight is stunning on him, and the melting of the last snow of winter means they can sleep now with the window open. The breeze tousles Sicheng’s hair, making its way to Taeil and skirting across his skin like a whisper. He wants to sit up, to press a kiss to the base of Sicheng’s neck, but he doesn’t want to interrupt a view that’s so undeniably perfect. Taeil finds himself smiling, even when Sicheng doesn’t face him when he speaks.

 

“Do you think the moon ever gets lonely?”

 

✧✧✧

 

Taeil never realized how much the sensation of silk beneath his skin make him want to cry.

 

It’s almost morning by now, he’s sure of it. The way the world seems to quiet down, in the space between the inky black night and the promise of dawn. It’s as if the world is holding his breath, and maybe Taeil is too. Maybe when he releases, his hands will find some semblance of warmth where they only found emptiness when they scanned the side of the mattress.

 

Maybe, he’ll wake up and realize this was just a dream all along.

 

Taeil isn’t a fool, he knows he’s awake-- he also knows he’s alone in the confines of his bed that is quickly feeling like a mockery. He cranes his neck, looking out the window above the headboard. If he focuses hard enough, he can faintly make out the cherry blossoms begin to bud on the tree outside his house.

 

He doesn’t need to focus as the sky brightens, because the moon is staring back at him just the same.

 

_Back, back._

 

✧✧✧

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a drabble but here we are.
> 
> I wanted something poetic, and this is a ship I've been itching to explore. Winwin is so gorgeous in my mind, and the affection Taeil seems to have for him warms my heart. So, of course, I had to write angst™. Go figure. The title is based off the song 'Bleach' by Brockhampton, fyi -- very melancholy, very angst. The 'forward, back' references reminds me of the phrase 'one step forward, two steps back' which I think describes Taeil and Sicheng's relationship really well in this fic.
> 
> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! ❤ This was a new style for me, and I'd love to hear your feedback on it! Also pls be my friend on Twitter I'm lonely and want to talk about Winwin
> 
>  
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/pinkrosewinwin)
> 
>  
> 
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/pinkrosewinwin)


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